MFA Bitch

Dear Jessica,

Not that you’ve asked, but what am I doing instead of writing?

1. Cooking for Thanksgiving. Too busy to write- had to make stuffing from a box and a pie from 2 boxes, a can and a plastic container.

2. Working- and or not working and or obsessing about a possible new job.

3. Watching internet TV. Did you know this existed? If not sorry I told you. Basically you can have your laptop on and look like you are writing when really you are catching up on your favorite TV shows.

4. Worrying about the state of the economy- honestly that’s a lie. I’ve become numb to that.

5. Drinking

6. Reading

7. Cleaning the house. Having dogs as we do, you know the constant struggle with dog hair.

8. Fantasizing about when my book that I’m not currently writing will be published.

9. Fantasying about winning lottery even though I never play.

10. Wondering what the hell to get people for the holidays this year- actually considering something from the Popcorn Factory for one unfortunate.

11. Wondering how in the world I finished one of these last time.

12.Considering Law School.

13. Not writing for our blog.

14. Considering I may actually have the dreaded “Writers Block”

15. Wondering if “Writers Block” is actually something I can get treatment for.

16. Wondering which part of my broken car to fix first: the windshield that is cracked like a patina, or the taillight that looks like it was shot with a BB gun.

17. Trying not to think about everything else I have to do for the wedding. In fact, denying I am even having one.

18. EATING- fruity candy canes mostly and chestnuts.

19. Dealing with the fact that I may actually be a “one-hit wonder” without one hit.

20. Making stupid lists about why I’m not writing.

I can only hope that Sarah Palin will have the trouble with writing that I am having and that I will finish my book before she finishes hers.

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

It’s so exciting to start a novel.  Everything is fresh and new.  Your new little creation is so perfect, if only because it doesn’t really exist yet, and the writing comes so easy.  Look at this humongous mountain of an idea!  I’ll never run out of something to say! It’s such a fantastic fucking feeling.

And best of all, it’s too early to worry over what’s gonna happen once the damn thing is done. You can just write, and work, and put all of that unpleasantness out of your mind.  Pull a Scarlett O’hara and think about it tomorrow.

Unless, of course, today’s news is bad.  And today, the news is bad.

Doubleday Fights Sagging Revenues With Staff Cuts

Where should I even begin?  The “world’s largest non-factual publisher.”  Shit.  Guess novels will take a big hit  And um, Jon Krakauer’s book was axed?  Jon f-ing Krakauer?! Not to mention they’ve fired a woman who has taste in “distinctive” books?  Everyone knows that “distinctive” is just another word for “new author”. Will other publishers soon follow?  And why is someone trying to blame it on Dan Brown?  I mean, haven’t they been paying attention to the news lately?  Can one man bring down an entire publishing house?  I guess, maybe, in this economic climate he can.

Not that I’m surprised.  I knew I was suspiciously motivated these days.  There had to be some planetary shift happening to allow such a divergence from the norm.  Imagine me, sitting down on a daily basis, eager to get working on a shiny new idea.  This went on for far too long, and the universe had to balance itself.

So I’m thinking I’ll start a novena to the patron saint of writing and publishing.  You can be rest assured that being raised a Catholic, I have the necessary connections.

And also, do you think Obama will start early if we ask him nicely?  Or maybe, since he’s almost a demi-god anyway, I should just go ahead and say a novena to him, too?

Blessed be the sacraments.

Jessica

Jessica,

OK, so it happened. Obama won. Therefore I am able to say, what I haven’t been able to say for 8 years, “I’m proud to be an American.” It feels good to know we live among likeminded people. It feels good to know that things now have the possibility to change. It feels good to know that people around the world will stop laughing at our President. And, it feels good to know that I was a part of it.

The only shadow in this whole presidential race is Joe the Plumber- who I have been told not only has a record contract, but also has a book contract. His book is tentatively titled “Joe the Plumber: Search for the American Dream”. Guess what Joe, I think you found it. You have essentially won the lottery, but then maybe we all have.

Goodbye Sarah!
Lisa

In the UK it’s called the “Credit Crunch” and for the two weeks I was in Wales the political heads of every European country continually assured their citizens that savings and pensions were safe, despite the fact they were dipping into them to save the world’s major banking institutions.  British news programs are different from American news programs in that they give equal time to the events of the world, as opposed to focusing primarily on the news in their own country.  When you’re in Europe, you have a much bigger sense of how the planet is doing, instead of your tiny little insular place in it.  So while America was going about her CNN/self-obsessed business, the rest of the world was desperately trying to minimize the devastating effect of the United States’ financial stupidity.

But now that I’m home, I can slip back into the warm suffocation of my insular American life.  I can proceed with my motherhood identity crisis and obsess about the election and believe that Obama is going to save the world.  This morning I ordered a bunch of books online with titles like “Motherhood and Self” and “How to be a Writer and a Mother”.  I feel completely lame and I sincerely hope that no one ever sneaks a peek at my Amazon ordering history.  I’m a whore for the self-help genre.  Can I blame it on being American?  Isn’t all this navel-gazing just a symptom of a national disease? And can we just skip over the fact that I ordered from Amazon?

One of the scariest moments of my trip was when we were driving into Swansea.  Things have changed a bit since the last time I was there, but nothing was more shocking than the huge Amazon.co.uk building that now blocks the gorgeous view of the Welsh hillside.  I can’t help but feel I had a hand in this travesty.

Or perhaps the scariest moment of my trip was when I arrived back home.  Have you noticed how many women now have that over-styled Sarah Palin ‘do?  I think it’s become part of the Evangelical Christian woman’s uniform.

Well, at least now we can pick them out in a crowd before they start yelling condemnations at us.

God Bless America,

Jessica

Jessica,
America has missed you. In your absence we have started a worldwide financial recession/depression(depending on who you ask), the presidential campaign has polarized even more people racially, culturally, religiously and otherwise, and we like North Korea now because they are “dismantling” their nuclear reactor- while Iran might consider it if we let Amidenijad have sex with Sarah Palin.

The result of all of this has turned me into an CNN obsessed stressball. Who is now terrified that the world is going to spiral out of control, taking our economies with it, and that I will soon like all other Americans lose the job I hate- only to lose the house I love- along with cable, cable internet and quarterly trips to my hairdresser- who’s husband has lost his job.

It’s a great way to start out the holiday season!

It makes my book about a teenage girl who wants desperately to receive her first kiss the summer she turns sixteen- seem even more trivial. If that was possible. It makes writing that book downright impossible- because if people are struggling to buy food- they aren’t about to be buying books- unless firewood becomes scarce and they need to heat their homes.

Hope you found better news in Wales.
Lisa

PS… I forgot to tell you about the $700 Billion tax-payer funded bailout the government passed to try and control the current economic situation.

Welcome Back!